Shall we give it a try?

Dear Mayor  Nutter,

You have the city living in a veritable spasm of enthusiasm about possibilities for the future. In one stroke, Philadelphia could gain a reputation as a major literary city and it’s hard not to imagine that you’re the guy who can pull it off.

Let’s imagine a Philadelphia where the arts really matter. Let’s take it as a given that we live in a town that’s known world-wide for a healthy respect, no, a damn near worship of the arts. Suppose that instead of you saying ‘Philadelphia’ and folks thinking ‘cheese steak, side of xenophobia’, when you mentioned the name of our city, people thought ‘Poetry, literature. Rockin’ good theatre, street music, first-rate fiction’. Oh yeah, Philly? Sort of like Paris in the twenties, but with better sanitation, right?

What would happen then?
•Tourism-who wouldn’t want to be here?
•Entertainment-creative people are attracted to creative people, no?
•Brain drain- well, smart people don’t leave a city that’s the center of creative energy.
•Business-the publicity attached to a Laureates program would have the effect of extending the Chamber of Commerce’s economic development budget by half.

How do we start? An office of Arts and Culture is a good start. But how about one big symbolic, quixotic gesture? How about creating Philadelphia’s Office of Laureates? Let’s start with our own Poet Laureate. I don’t mean some snicker-worthy honorary position, I mean something with a nice healthy, poet-sustaining stipend. MD-sized money-general practitioner if not specialist. The Laureate in his turn, or hers, would provide us with occasional public readings. Maybe she’d open the season for the orchestra with a poem or throw out the first ball at Opening Day and follow up with a sonnet. We might expect the PL to do a few things with the schools too-why shouldn’t our kids grow up thinking they’re as entitled to poetry as anyone?

After we get the poet thing nailed down, let’s move on to a Novelist Laureate, the Composer Laureate, the Director Laureate and whichever Laureates Fate grants us. We can keep our Laureates for a year, maybe two. One of the best parts is that when they’re done, they become our ex-Laureates. It’s on their resumes and it’s on ours too. Every time somebody mentions Jane so-and-so, they’re likely to mention that she was Philadelphia’s something-or-other Laureate. The other great part is that having truly creative people as part of the civic work force is good for everybody.

Now, all my truly civic-minded friends are wondering something like: How the hell are we going to pay for this? Putting aside the fact that an average poet would be tickled silly by a stipend that’s less than what it costs to pay a councilman’s cousin a deputy commissioner’s salary, the Office of Laureates isn’t going to cost us much at all. The Secret? We’re not going to pay for it.
Instead, this is an example of a great possibility for a public-private partnership. What would be easier than to ask the corporate giants in this city to put their names and money behind a high-profile, low-cost project that would generate as much publicity as a new stadium. In fact, the costs are so small compared to most sponsorships that I can imagine philanthropic and social clubs getting in on the act. The Union League sponsoring the Rhetorical Laureate? The Art Museum paying up for the Painter Laureate? Why not?

So let the buzz begin, Mr. Mayor! I know the city is loaded with poetic talent. The challenge is to you sir. Let’s assemble a volunteer board to arrange a selection process, describe the job and start looking for funding. Let’s not waste time-it would be awful if Camden heard about this and did it first.

Yours truly,


Lynn Hoffman, author of bang BANG and The New Short Course in Wine

As winter approaches, I feel moved to share one of my secrets for making satisfying winter stews that are not particularly artery-clogging. You can make use of the bitter tang and the concentrated flavor and fattiness of unsweetened chocolate to add a dimension to almost any stew that will delight ( and mystify ) your guests. For a two quart stew pot or brasier, add about two ounces of Bittersweet Scharffen Berger Chocolate and a tiny amount of hot pepper. Of course, this is not really a secret-Mole Poblano has used these ingredients for years. But some prejudiced connection of chocolate with dessert prevents us from using chocolate as a spice.
Why Scharffen Berger? Here's a story:

My European friends are mildly snooty about some of their local products-all of which, in their eyes-are infinitely superior to their American equivalents. A few years ago, I started carrying Scharffen Berger chocolate bars -particularly the semi-sweet-with me to Europe-mostly the blue and yellow wrappers. At one friend's house, I was always asked to make a mousse au chocolate and so I naturally used the Scharffen Berger even though my host had put out a local (Austrian) brand.

The Austrians have some pretty good chocolate themselves and if you ever get a chance to try Zotter's magnificent filled chocolates in their million and a half varieties, be grateful and dive in.

Anyway, the rave reviews that the mousse got-and continues to get-are not based on the recipe, which is basic Basic, but on the remarkable complexity of these lovely chocolates and particularly on their fruity overtones and beguiling winey finish.
I hear that the company has been sold to Hershey, and so there is no guarantee that the quality will remain as it is. For the moment, I have to say that I think this is certainly one of the three best chocolates in the world and maybe the best.

--Lynn Hoffman, wine writer and author of the rich and velvety bang BANG [[ASIN:1601640005 bang BANG: A Novel]]  which has decidedly spicy notes of its own.

     I hate football. I hate how it soaks up my life, how  I cheer, grimace, groan, throw my fist in the air. I hate how my ten year old is calling in plays to the tv screen and how increasingly, the coach seems to be listening to her. I hate it, I love it. I love the drama, the tension, the cheap wine and the junk food. Watching NFL football would almost be the perfect pastime except for a few small, easily fixable flaws.
    Here are a few suggestions to make the game absolutely perfect:

1. Move the schedule back three weeks.
All of the exhibition season and the first three or four games that count have to compete with sweet summer and autumn Sundays. Don't make us choose between a walk in the woods and the Dallas game. Moving the schedule back would also push the Super Bowl to the end of February, almost to the beginning of spring training. This would serve to almost eliminate the Dreary Season, that stretch of time with nothing but hockey and basketball to watch and (therefore) nothing to live vicariously for.

2. Introduce the Hoffman One Ton rule.
 The HOT rule would specify that the total weight of a team's contingent on the field at any one time not exceed one ton: 2000 lbs. That's an average weight of 181 lbs., considerably less than the current heft per team.
Aside from being easier on the turf, imposing a weight limit would have some immediate beneficial effects
•increase athleticsm. If instead of having to pick only the biggest men at each position, coaches had to consider the team's 'weight cap', better, smaller athletes might be playing the game. If all the lard is on the line, then running backs and wide receivers could be picked for sheer speed.
oovercome dilution. There are a lot more great athletes who would be eligible to play the game under the HOT rule. With more athletes to choose from, the overall quality is bound to go up.
•reduce injuries. There's a lot less damage done when two 180- somethings smash into each other than when two 250's collide. Careers would be extended and the post-season results would be more likely to reflect quality of play instead of quality of orthopedic care. We, as fans would most likely be spared distasteful shows like the last two Eagles' games of the regular season.
•introduce a colorful, pregame weigh-in ceremony with some unique opportunities to sell commercials. If the NFL wants to attract more women to its national and international audience, it's just possible that a parade of young athletes wearing nothing but towels might do the trick. If that worked, they could switch to the next level, which is having the players on the field naked save for a loin cloth. If the bigbig boys of sumo can do it, why can't the bad boys of the NFL?

3. get rid of jerky announcers  Let's face it, your high school english teacher would flunk most of the people who announce NFL games. The college game, which should be better, is actually worse. A lot of Philadelphia fans used to watch the broadcast and listen to the radiocast of Eagles' games. The satellite delay makes that a bit unnerving now, but maybe the NFL could give us the option of watching the broadcast and listening to the commentary on any one of several licensed channels.

--the moron channel. For the truly impaired-just use the current TV announcers and add a few grunts.

--the dweeb channel. Announced entirely by ex-coaches assisted by Dennis Miller.

--the affect channel . For those guys who aren't afraid to show their emotions-announcers would focus on the inner game. We'd hear things like “ I wonder how he feels about that?”after a quarter back has thrown his third pick of the half, and "I hope it won't damage their relationship." after a particularly viscious hit.

--the gay channel. Can you imagine?

4. introduce overhead shots make the x's and o's come alive  Football is a game of strategy, but we hardly ever get a camera angle that shows what works. Even the high-in-the-stands shot doesn't do it. The telephoto lenses compress the distances between players and distort the viewers' sense of what's possible.

5. lose no opportunity to explain the game. Football is easy to watch and hard to understand. Without understanding, a game isn't much better than reality TV. Use the intervals between plays to tell us what just happened and how. If you have to use jargon, explain the jargon. What's 'the slot'? Why are the backs lined up ' in the I'? What are all those moves that the linemen are said to be using? How does a swing pass differ from a post pattern? Just what exactly is a screen anyway? And while we're at it, whatever happened to the Eagle defense's penchant for ripping the ball from the hands of tackled runners? Knowledgeable fans are loyal fans, give us the knowledge.

Put these five simple reforms in place and by next year, we might all be hating football even more and paying to watch NFL Europe on cable.


--Lynn Hoffman, author of THE NEW SHORT COURSE IN WINE and the forthcoming novel